12. Health

The first four letters of “health” spell “heal” which, I’ve learned, can take place in many different forms. This year has been quite a health and healing journey, to say the least. Let’s begin.

Since the arrival of the pandemic, my health has fluctuated in ways that have taught me how invincible I’m not. I found myself treading many waters, from dangerously high blood pressure to deteriorating mental wellness. Yet, this was the catalyst to (finally) put myself on the front burner. I declared to myself that I am worth fighting for.

If I can design strategies for others, I wonder if I can design strategies for my wellness?

I learned the power of reframing language. I’ve always known words were powerful and malleable. Though, I didn’t realize that, in the words of Ludwig Wittgenstein, “the limits of my language means the limits of my world.” I often leaned on the term “coping mechanism” as a way to navigate hardships. After stumbling across episodes of Brené Brown’s “Unlocking Us” podcast (and, consequently, saying “omg how does she know my life?!”), I realized that my coping mechanisms allowed me to numb myself from feeling the weight of these experiences, emotions, and stressors.

“So, if I’m numbing myself, why am I doing this and how can I stop doing this?” The answers to these questions came through mulling over excellent thoughts and questions from my therapist. I forget the exact day, but I remember reframing the term “coping mechanism” to “wellness strategy”. Two thoughts formed the catalyst for this reframing — 1. My ability as a designer allows me to develop strategies for graphics and 2. Building habits is similar to designing systems. So I thought, “If I can design strategies for others, I wonder if I can design strategies for my wellness?” My wellness strategies are small, actionable things that have turned into habits to maintain my wellness. (Ironically, I applied all of this to my life before learning about James Clear and his amazing book, Atomic Habits). As great as this sounds, I was reminded that every strategy has to be tested in order to see if it’s sustainable.

In 2021, I placed myself on the back burner again for multiple life-altering challenges that my loved ones faced. I don’t regret this. I do, however, admit that I was very disheartened when I was barely able to sustain my wellness strategies. Discouragement was a hard adversary to battle. With every small step forward, I fell backwards three. When one thing worked, another needed fixing. This cycle felt nonstop, even into this year. And The Gray only helped fuel the cycle (spiral might be a more appropriate representation).

I’m not sure how it happened, but this was the reminder of one of my life mantras — Clarity is found in the stillness.

At the end of 2021, I was, surprisingly, in good general health. Though, I was hit with deep waves of fatigue that were extremely hard to explain. I thought I was overdue for rest, especially after busy semesters. The fatigue cloaked itself onto me as I trudged into 2022. Despite this addition, I continued to push myself further in my workouts and my career. I pushed myself too far, as I experienced a mild case of rhabdomyolysis, a condition where damaged muscles release proteins in the blood that can harm vital organs. This forced me to step away from one of my go-to wellness strategies (weightlifting) for 5–6 months. Losing something I enjoyed, rejections from new career opportunities, and dwindling finances took a toll on my self-esteem and heightened my anxiety. Yet, in the midst of grieving and The Gray, I leaned into other wellness strategies that kept me anchored — 1. I kept cooking and 2. I kept meditating.

Meditation is a practice of mindfulness. It’s also a flexible practice. Meaning, it can apply to anyone’s life based on how they define mindfulness and their journey to the center of Self. For me, I practice meditation through prayer, active meditation (meditation walks and meditation stretches), and journaling. One morning during a meditation stretch, gratitude kept entering my thoughts to soothe the feelings of despair I was experiencing: “What should I be grateful for? I can’t work out anymore! I’m going nowhere with my job. No one wants to hire me. I’m struggling to make end’s meet. I have no inspiration to create anything. All of this is horrible!” Yet, Gratitude comforted me with questions rooted in grace and gentle challenge: “Marq, are you not alive? Are you not employed? Are you not blessed? Are you not taken care of? Why are you rushing your life? Breathe, beloved. Do not go to the future nor the past. Stay in this moment and breathe.” I’m not sure how it happened, but this was the reminder of one of my life mantras — Clarity is found in the stillness.

Finally, I committed myself to my Self.

After concluding my summer semester, I knew I needed to redesign my life. I also learned a very powerful lesson — Discomfort prompts action. First, I defined my non-negotiable Life Values with the following statement: If my Time, my Health, or my Creative Freedom are compromised, I will say ‘no’. Second, I redesigned my role and presence in the classroom to reinforce my Life Values. Next, I declared September as a self-imposed sabbatical from all extracurricular work. Finally, I committed myself to my Self.

As the year wanes, I reflect on the journey I’ve had thus far. I’ve learned so many things in this chapter of my life. I’ve learned things about control, about time, about worthiness, and about commitment. I embraced that I am worth the investment(s). That I am an important person in my life. And, in the words of the late Honorable Toni Morrison, I am my best thing. Health…I’m learning that in order to take care of my health, I must embrace the time and effort it takes to heal. And as I spend time walking amidst the trees, I’m reminded that clarity is found in the stillness.

-M